2014-12-31: Sylvester (Not The Cat)

If there was a personification of all the things I am not it would be Andrej. He lives in Krakow, I do not. Lots of people are like that though. More importantly he has planned out lots of activities for us to do. I do lots of things but mostly by accident.

He plans. I probably wouldn't have done anything until I had to jury rig some kind of rope idea and then get told I wasn't allowed to use it because I was drunk when I thought of it and drunker now.

Sign Review: Men's Toilets, Lasertag, Krakow

_Mens_ toilets. But it isn't even the tampon thing that weirds me out a bit.

I am not sure if it is bad translation or just that kind of place.

Rating 7/10 (next time I am going to wear suspenders to scare them)

 

Activity Review: Laser Tag, LaserPark, Krakow

I need to learn either Sexy Stance or Macho Stance

I have never played lasertag before. This seems odd to me too. Maybe I have and I forgot. That's more believable I guess.

The maze looked very small on paper but once in there was surprisingly large, there was about half it which was empty every time I made a pass through. I have watched lot of films about the house to house fighting in Leningrad. I used all of that knowledge moving at high speed through the maze. I got shot in the back a lot. Dirty Russians. Oh and I stepped on the mine a few times too. In real life I guess I would have remembered where the mine was after the first time.

"When I team up with my sister I come last" This will not be forgotten.

They send you an email afterwards with all the statistics of who killed who and so on. In my opinion a guaranteed way to improve any activity is to have numbers for it (hats are also good for improving activities). I forgot to take my phone which would have shown how many steps I took so these numbers were most appreciated.

From the statistics I was okay at laser tag. Ewa's older brother is a dirty filthy camper and preys on groups of young children primarily. Plus he shoots people in the back, his Dad did spend a lot of time in Russia. Maybe it rubbed off on him.

Sporty Rehydration Time

From the post game debriefing (beer is sold at the laser tag counter, a very good idea) I learned that the Ladies had attempted to form teams in order to humiliate their respective menfolk. Fortunately for our egos the Ladies were stunningly ineffective at forming and maintaining any form of alliance. Ewa and her sister formed one which resulted in the sister killing Ewa more than she killed anyone else. Oh and also smacking her in the face with the laser gun.

Rating: 7.5/10 (if they had a heads up display and terminator graphics that would make it 10 easy)

 

Activity The Second. Lunch in the City.

The shopping mall in Krakow has been made very pretty and shiny. Much more "Western Europe" than it was last time. Outside still has the little ice skating rink and the grzaniec barrel that were there last time. Grzaniec Galicyjski is presumably the same here as everywhere else in Poland as it is a brand. But it tastes better here I think.

Atmosphere and Environment impacting Appreciation.

Barrel Aged for Flavour

Inside, not quite as quaint

ahahaha you little bastard showing off with the ice skating! down you go! Yes!

Food And Beverage Review: U Babci Maliny (Grandma Raspberry), Krakow

Traditional Polish food. I can't decide if Krakow is a tourist trap or not because all the places I would normally think are tourist traps are full of Poles. Maybe they are trapping internal tourists.

I am sure the name means something in Polish

The Krakow city square is some 15 feet higher than it used to be hundreds of years ago. I remembered this from last time and got to show off my tourist guide impersonation by mentioning this. I think it was all the horse poo.

Babci Maliny has a small ground level room and a series of rooms at basement level. All done in kitschy knick knacks. I get the feeling Babci Maliny may not have all of her faculties.

Competitive Eating Trophies

A meat heavy menu. Lots of game dishes, Moose, Boar & Pheasant graced our table. The pierogi were baked / fried and I liked them a lot. Brazil voted heavily for Moose, Ewa & I liked our own dishes the most as well. I think there is a game theory element about this.

Soup is meant to be shared, it said so in the fine print.

 As is traditional the soups came in bread bowls.

As is traditional the girlfriend made an invasion of her neighbours plate (traditional for the thieving girlfriend that is, not so much for Poland, I don't think they have invaded anyone in absolutely ages).

The soup was not so traditional though (maybe) as Poles (possibly) don't eat cream style soups that often and this was decidedly in the vein (if not actually) of Campbells cream of mushroom soup.

Rating: 7/10 (it would be higher but these places are very common and I like them all so far)

Sexy Stance set to 11

To walk off a bit of the food we strolled the square which was gearing up for the Sylvestre (New Years) Celebrations. A couple of years back the city was broke and the stage was a minimal affair with everyone bringing their own fireworks. This year the city is rich and fireworks are (I think) banned. Stupid safety police.

Bread, yeah, so that is not the attraction here.

When entering the square from the station side you want to take the first left into the square. This way you follow in my footsteps. Lucky You! More importantly it means you enter the square with the two best food stands directly ahead of you (just outside the Hard Rock Cafe). They have been in the same place both times so I assume they will always be there. If there are no hordes surrounding the stands reconsider my advice.

Pineapples make it exotic

Okay a little bread with your warm fat

Unfortunately we had little in the way of room for more food and so the new warm smaleć offering has had to be put onto the list of "things I must get around to".

Not the Borg, some other sci fi thing, anyway. It has landed.

Shiny

When we were here last we were alternate cool people types and spent the evening in an underground (literally, remember the fifteen feet thing? everywhere has basements in the square) Goth club.

This year we are sensible adults. We are spending News Years at Andrej's place. I am doing the firework display. The lady at the fireworks shop had facial expressions indicating a certain dubiousness regarding my fitness for the volume I bought.

It has been explained to me that I often think I can do stuff because I used to be able to do stuff and then things get interesting. In light of this I have promised to be Captain Safety and not do anything even faintly stupid. Well not deliberately anyway.

Captain Safety reads the labels before applying flames. He also asks for translations as his Polish is not very good and his Czech is completely non existent.

Sign Review: Fireworks Warning Label

Skinny people are immune to explosions. Fat people warp scale in drawings.

Of course running the 15 metres would eventually make you skinny. A complex feedback loop.

Rating 6/10 (he is pretty slobby looking but a smoke and a can of beer would really make it realistic) 

 

Equipment review: Fireworks

I am not aware of naked flames in this area

When I was growing up we had fireworks. Largely they were of the "Light and throw, goes Bang" type or things only parents and rich people could have, roman candles, catherine wheels, rockets etc.

The choice was pretty much noise or colour. If you wanted something high in the sky it was mostly noise.

 

Test Firing

I am in many ways a foolish type of person and didn't read up on current consumer grade fireworks at all. So I bought some of these newfangled box type fireworks without much hope; The Predator, Super Bomba and one that I am assured is for the Ladies.

I got sky rockets and a couple of mix packs as well, just in case these newfangled ones were boring.

Lady Explosions

I did a few test fires to check wind and ground stability (snow and frozen dirt? not super great for rocket launch pads). A last minute change in suitable location for viewers afraid of the cold meant all this planning was wasted (another reason I should give up planning, it never works out).

My first rocket from the second location resolutely held fast to the earth as I ran like hell in case it lit up the series of rockets I had ready to go. In detonating it blew the one beside it to hell but didn't ignite it, so bonus there I guess.

The second one I loosened in the frozen soil and it promptly sagged like a cool kids pants. Once the fire hit the ground it was enough to weaken the soil enough that it didn't go straight up and I wondered if the neighbours would ever invite me over again (not that they have yet but they are probably busy with Sylvester and immediately afterwards they would have; I am a charming (and safety conscious) fellow).

I figured I would try the newfangled boxes rather than dick around with this nonsense.

Manly Explosions

I started with the one I was promised Ladies would love as it was apparently weaker but prettier and lasts longer.I did not make any jokes about this recommendation.

Then moved up to the Super Bomba and finally the Predator.

Captain Safety Runs Very Fast When Required. Hiding behind fence posts is a skill!

These Things Are Awesome! They are basically a consumer version of the mortars used for commercial grade fireworks. You could burn through a serious chunk of cash with them as I think they averaged about $20 each and last for a minute or two. But they are relatively safe (it is a couple kilos of gunpowder, that will never be completely safe and it would be boring if it was) and they deliver a seriously good display with minimal dicking around.

I particularly liked the fuse system, they have two in case one fails. But they are both short. So short you really do need to get out of there pretty much immediately it takes. A manufacturing cock up would be an exciting moment.

Rating: 10/10 (I have some spare rockets to play with but these fancy ones I am thinking of grabbing a couple more just because they are so great)