2014-12-29: Guinea Pigs? pfft! Children!

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2014-12-28: Activities Shopping Day (Plus Singing)

If we are going to AquaCity we need ski clothes. Time to practice our shopping skills. We are getting better at shopping. Normally we have a goal, achieve partial success, get distracted, get annoyed with shopping and go home (or to the pub) with the depressing knowledge we have to try again tomorrow.

Grabbing a trophy off the shelf does not mean you win.

Today we managed to stop each other being distracted but also, and I think this was key, had others with us. Ewa can be slightly competitive. Beating me at shopping is easy and doesn't awake the urge to win. With her sister attempting to succeed at purchasing a planned list Ewa's instincts kicked in.

I got distracted by a church, it's not even shiny, I am a bad shopper.

I only had to remind her not to get distracted once. We won by a handy margin which meant we got to wait for the others. Somehow we were shopping in the one place in Poland that does not sell beer in the waiting area. I spent the time reading up on tax laws in various countries. Not sure that is a prize which will inspire me to win in future. We have stylish ski outfits though.

I still look for KitchenWare shops, this one Confused and Annoyed me after seeing it on the map

Cultural Observations: Fast Food

KFC seems more common here as a ratio compared to McDonalds. I have been in one city for one week so this observation is obviously accurate and true. I wondered about this and came up with some theories. First some numbers (then the theories which I haven't even bothered to adjust for the numbers because they are from Wikipedia and we all know what a lying she-devil that site can be).

No Arches To Be Seen

KFC Locations: 

AUS 618 (7th biggest market in the world)
POL 185 

McD's Locations:

AUS 920
POL 349

Polish Pricing:

KFC Zinger Burger: 9.95zł
McD's Big Mac: 9.60 zł

Populations:

AUS: 23 million
POL: 38 million

So roughly:

1 Mcd's and 0.6 KFC per 25 000 people in Aus
1 Mcd's and 0.5 KFC per 110 000 people in Poland

Enough numbers. Time for Half Arsed Opinions:

I couldn't find prices for McDonalds or KFC online, haven't had McD's in years and I only eat KFC once a year (to eat while watching the Bathurst 1000) but I think that the price is less than AU$9 for each of the burgers above. Given the rough and ready approximation of "stuff costs the same number here" and the exchange rate being about 1:3 that means McD's and KFC are sort of roughly three times the "price for the locals". I haven't checked the cost of production comparison but as a starting point I figure that demand affects price more than cost of production anyway.

A McPate Sandwich, traditional style

I think that McDonalds got here first and was definitely viewed as The Biggest Shiniest Bit Of America, Land of Dreams when it arrived. Ewa clearly remembers being given "a lot" of money for her and her brother to get McDonalds. They were excited, ate it, were still hungry and depressed. She still talks of the Polish burgers which are 5zł and the size of your head (although now admits that maybe this is just a memory).

So McDonalds got turned into a luxury / status food. Even a few years ago apparently a mid thirties fellow taking a first date to McDonalds would have been making a statement about his wealth.

Rating 6/10 (although -3 if this is why I am somewhat tubby by comparison, +2 if we can find a Polish Burger the size of my head)

We have a pretty consistent small amount of snow falling now. Street is looking pretty and I am now required to wear my Winter Finery. No more wandering the streets in sneakers, T shirt and jeans. I now have my winter coat, scarf, gloves and boots.

I thought one of the signs was obscured by snow and came down in my pyjamas because I had a great caption for it but unfortunately I just have old eyes and so you get this caption instead

Temperatures are hovering around the -8 to -10 all day and a touch lower overnight. So the snow is too dry to make snowballs easily unless you take your gloves off. This is probably for the best I guess.

My finery is functional, Polish Ladies want some style with the warmth

Amongst the many people I know that have birthdays during the Christmas season is Ewa's younger brother. We bought him a cake and a new samsung tablet.

I am not a professional but I think that pre chewed food is a poor decorative touch.

At Polish School in Sydney it was mentioned that the Polish version of "Happy Birthday to You" is "Sto Lat". This means 100 years and, I believe, is meant to be a wish that you will live 100 years (not that you look like you have.

Poland must really have a think about updating their traditions. Modern medicine is pushing longevity and just what are you saying to someone that is celebrating their 101st birthday by singing that?

School didn't teach us the rest of the words, I just sang the Stol Lat bit loud enough everyone knew I had joined in

The younger brother is sick and came down in his boxer style dressing gown. I refrained from yelling "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Great white hope, The Force from the North, A Tower of Power: Kshshshshshshshshshsh". I did do a little bit of Eye of the Tiger though. Personal touches make gifts better.

2014-12-27: Horizons, they broaden

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2014-12-26: Meat Time (plus also some 25th)

On Christmas day (i.e. after midnight on the 24th) there is usually the traditional "We haven't eaten meat for hours!" gorging. Plus cakes. This year I think everyone was a little tired after playing X-Box sports. Even the niece ran out of energy. She got a little emotional when the kinect wouldn't recognise her javelin skills no matter how fast she ran on the spot.

Breakfast

After a snooze everyone was ready to perform their duties with regard to denuding the landscape of anything mobile and edible. People say the forests are quiet in winter because of the snow, I figure it is because everything got eaten.

With cake, the knife was only a joke... they ate anyway

The skinny people get force fed cake. My Polish is not good enough yet but I am sure there was a bit of "eat, eat, you are all skin and bones".

Ewa is a trained pastry chef and makes an excellent Napoleonka (Custard Square). Living in Australia has made her weak and soft. Now when people ask her to come and teach them how to make it she refuses unless they buy a KitchenAid mixer. We grabbed one as a Christmas gift for the Sister in law. Then promptly told her she was getting her present a day early so Ewa could use it to make the cakes. Not sure if that makes us bad people.

This one will fail an opiate drug test

Poppy-seeds feature in the wildly popular Makowiec cake. It is a nice enough cake, sort of a strudel pastry with a boiled poppy seed filling. Excess consumption leaves you in a somewhat witchy dental situation.

Someone ought to put the street light on the other side or turn the tombs around so I can get better pictures.

After breakfast the snow started, just a light sprinkle but it got heavier over the day as the temperature dropped. This means I got a white Christmas. Ewa didn't as she believes Christmas is the evening of the 24th. Half Arsed Traveller wins again!

We went up to the Cemetery where some family are laid to rest and lit candles. A few other people had been by and done the same which looked great with the snow. Apparently at Halloween the number of candles is vastly higher. There are concerns that the American version of Halloween will take root here and the traditional one will die. I hope not as a candle lit cemetery in the snow is pretty damn cool and I won't have a chance to see the huge one for 2 years.

The walk back featured a snow ball fight. Shame the young kids hadn't come along. We probably have better throwing arms than them.

The sun sets on another day (3pm)

Linguistic Skills: Polish Naming Conventions

As mentioned in passing previously Poles like to change their names. For example:

• This is "Ewa"
• That is "Ewy"'s secret
• Bill, can you give my room keys to "Ewie"
• I like "Ewę" because she is pretty
• I am travelling with "z Ewą"
• I am talking about "o Ewie"
• Hello "Ewo"! (I am excited)

Not quite the same as Victoria's Secret

There are up to 7 different forms of names depending on the grammatical case (this a grammatical thing we don't have in English, if you want to hurt your brain have a look here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grammatical_case then try to apply it to a real world sentence).

Now not all names have all 7 forms of their names. Those people get sad and feel less special. Poles are friendly lovely people so they make it up to those people by encouraging them to have alternate names.

Some of these make a bit of sense, for example Simon is not a traditional Polish name and so doesn't have all the alternate spellings nor is it easy to pronounce for youngsters. In my case I am also known as Sam. For the nieces and nephews I am Wojek Sam. This translates as "Uncle Sam". Which I am too stupid to have noticed... 

Others make less obvious sense. Piotr only has 6 different spellings for the seven cases. So he has snagged a spare name of Adam. Which has another 6 spellings.

This is overdoing it I think.

Rating: 5/10 (I gave it +1 because of the indelible link in my brain now between cases, names and lingerie, all thanks to a packet of biscuits)

I believe the EU regulations stipulate at least one Heaven nightclub in any city >50K people

For boxing day we all went swimming at a hotel in town. They had nifty warm water salty bubble baths for different ailments. I think I had my rheumatism fixed up and my "that thing where your leg is sore" should be under control as well. I didn't make it to the third salt bath. If I die of some terrible disease I bet it would have been cured by the third one. Kicking my self now.

Maybe I shouldn't have cured that kicking leg of the thing that hurts it.

This brand needs no best before labels!

 I also neglected to take my camera to the pool which is a pity. They had saunas, an ice bath and a waterfall room. I am hoping to go back and get some pictures. Several rooms had stalactites. I was thinking I could add to my collection of doing naginata stuff in silly situations.

Plans:

Krakow. Fireworks! Goth Bars! New Years Eve! Roasting meats in the central square!
Zakopane. Mountains! Snow! Melted Cheese! Perhaps a sleigh ride! I will need new finery!

Reminders:

Think of a good explanation to take a bunch of martial arts weapons into a hotel swimming pool.

2014-12-25: Christmas! Noises! Emotions! Karp!

Poland has a very strong Catholic background. This was explained to me as "The communists hated the Church, so we all joined the Church". Catholics have a love of denying themselves meat for special occasions. Poles love meat.

"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."?

Nah more like:

"For Poles hated the communists so much that they gave up meat to annoy them, even if the fish was carp. Eternal life was just a bonus".

I am told the best way to eat carp is to eat something that eats carp, but not too much of it.

Cultural Observations: White Christmas

Every culture seems to have the love of the white Christmas. Even though everyone complains about the cold every other day of the year, on Christmas day lots of snow is popular. This year in Białystok there hasn't been much snow and, as the Poles think Christmas is the evening of the 24th they missed out on a white Christmas. 

The God of the Half Arsed Traveller came through on the morning of the 25th though and we got a light dusting. Enough for my Tourist Check List anyway.

Rating: 8/10, (must find the name of the God of The Half Arsed Traveller, maybe build a shrine for him)

The family tradition here is to have fish (carp) for most of the dishes at Christmas (there should be twelve dishes). The Church said a few years back that meat dishes were okay for Christmas. The family told the Church to mind it's own damn business as the communists are gone now so we don't need you telling us what to do.

12 hrs of using the motorbike got boring. What else could go down the ramp? DINOSAURS!!!

I am on an incredible learning curve with regards to planning. I have been using my own kitchen for so long that I make lots of assumptions. A roasting tray with rack? Everyone has them. Need a digital thermometer? All shopping malls have at least 2 kitchen shops. Apparently cooking shows have only just started becoming popular here and so cooking is still something that cool kids don't do. 

Cool Kids Cook Geese. I should get a fauxhawk I guess.

When the people cooking are practical and there is no glory in it (i.e. Mothers rather than toy-obsessed-30-something-males) there is no real market for all the expensive specialty items that the kitchen shops make their money off and so kitchen shops are few and far between. 
The ones that do exist have prices roughly the same as Australian prices which be thought of meaning the items are three times the effective cost (wages  and prices etc generally being about three times lower here).

Sign Review: Highway Noise Baffles, Białystok

On one of the trips to the only kitchen shop I know of (to buy a roasting tray with rack - they didn't have one) there was a bit of highway with walls to baffle the noise. Apparently the investment in Poland recently has been well used. The roads here are invariably in good condition and there are a lot of new bits compared to just 2 years ago.

Or perhaps to attract hunters?

Anyway the noise baffles had silhouettes of birds all over them. At first I thought "looks kind of primary-school-kid-with-too-many-stickers". Then I realised they are probably to scare birds away and so prevent them flying into the glass panes.

Rating: 7/10. I like birds.

They say the snow blows in from Siberia but this is so tidy, decorative and efficient that it looks like German snow to me.

2014-12-24: 'Twas the night before, wait no....

'twas the night of Christmas?
'twas the morning of the day where Christmas starts at the sunset?

pffft poetry and reality conflict yet again. Stupid Victorians. Everyone knows Christmas is when the sun sets on the 24th.

Of course we haven't had much sun recently. I will trust to the Poles to know when their sun sets.

"Looks Sharp, Is" My favourite ad campaign ever.

 

"So sharp it will cut your eyes if you look at it". hmmm. Probably I won't get a job in marketing.

I spent a decent bit of the afternoon sharpening knives in preparation for the slicing and dicing fest. Then spent some time teaching the 8 yr old niece how to cut safely (not with one of my mental knives because I am not totally useless around children). "Rest the knife against your knuckles, keep your fingers tucked in safely, always plan for where the knife could go" and so on.

Linguistic Skills: Polish

Polish has a single word for fingers and for toes: "Palec". Sort of like "phalanges" in English. Ewa once got the English words backwards and called her fingers her toes. As I am a great language parent (and handsome) I now only ever say "leg fingers" or "arm toes". This helps her learn.

It's called being supportive.

Rating: 7.8/10 (I am pretty great)

Obviously a child of such a young age needs more than just words to learn, physical examples are very good teaching aids, often more powerful than theory alone. I showed that a sharp knife cuts much cleaner when you slip and that makes it easier to disinfect before putting the sticky plasters on. Lesson Learned. Plus men can cry if they want to.

Celebrating victory over the Piscine Powers

Today is my big day. I am cooking the goose for tomorrows breakfast, I figure it is just a big duck and am approaching it that way:

• Prick skin like for a duck
• Brine for 12 hours
• Stuff with onion & apple roughly chopped
• Truss it
• Steam it for an hour on the stovetop
• Let it rest uncovered for a day in the outer room (I know this definitely makes crispy skin easy but the main reason is that during this period all the ovens will be in use for the real christmas food)
• Roast breast side down til it is starting to come up to temp (this will be an on the fly guesstimate with 145 as the target from memory for pinky meat)
• Flip it and roast breast side up for the final temp, if the legs and breast are way out of whack then separate the breast at this point and finish it in a pan
• Basting every 20 minutes or so during this last roast.
• Turn the grill up to a million in an attempt at crispy skin

Unfortunately Ewa's grandmother had geese so her mum always had goose at Christmas until communism kicked in. Since then she has never been able to afford it but now she can and she wants it again.

But, and this sucks for me, it is a nostalgic thing so she can't remember if it was pink or if it was with crispy skin. Of course this could work in my favour as even the worst goose will bring back the memories. This is why I am thinking that if I can keep it as one big bird to serve it will "taste" better for her even if it is not perfect.

Other Manly Responsibilities for the day are looking after the children, entertaining them and generally letting the womenfolk have the kitchen free of floor dwellers. This year the 8 yr old worked out Santa Claus doesn't exist. Fortunately this moment of learning had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Prog Rock CatchPhrases Build A Better Youth

Linguistic Skills: Polish

To make up for having only one word for toes and fingers Poles have many variations of their names. This is fun and appropriate. I just spent a few minutes working out which form of the brother in laws name was appropriate for the label on his present. We chose the one with too many z's in it. Well one of the ones with too many z's in it.

Pretty sure this idea was invented in the days before television when the long nights were boring.

Rating: 4/10 (and let's not even get into the fact they all have the same name as each other or use a completely different name when they want)

2014-12-23: Xmas preparations, Pt 2.

Wandering the streets today with Ewa's Brazilian brother in law we were discussing Polish and how much fun it is to learn.

Dental Ninjas Don't Use Anaesthetic

Travelling Advice: How to Learn Languages

This is how I am approaching learning Polish and therefore it is perfect method for everyone.

• Ask a native speaker roughly what age children become worth talking to. Provided you are not talking to a misanthrope like me ("ummm I guess mid twenties but even then probably not") you will have answer which gives you a rough time frame to work to. For Polish about 8 years old. This is my target time frame.
• Get a language parent. This is someone that will guide you through the learning process. Their job is to correct you and encourage you.
• Unleash your childlike curiosity. Look at everything with no filters. A white stone on the ground is every bit as exciting as a flaming cow being ridden by a monocled monkey.
• Remove your inner monologue. Processing your sensory input quietly and attempting to reach a balanced and reasoned opinion will encourage you to be quiet, you need to use the language to learn to use the language.

When Ewa and I walk down the street every time I see something I know the name of I say the name.
When I see a sign I try to read it aloud and guess what it means.

Sometimes I have to interrupt Ewa's discussions with other people. At times she ignores me so I pull at her clothing until she gives up being distracted by, for example, her sister that just arrived. They saw each other 2 years ago, how much could have happened in that time? My inner 5 yr olds determination to correctly pronounce "White. Stick." wins over her grown up filters. I don't care if I have to say it 100 times to get it right. Sometimes I have to make it into a song so I will remember it. then I walk along singing the song until the word is stuck in my head. "White stick, White stick, whiiiiiiiiite stick, sticky sticky stick. white white white. white stick, stick white, white white white"

To jest nie mleko, mleko mleko mleko, nie nie nie...

Another useful trick is to include experimenting with the world. Just because you understand the world in your home country doesn't mean that things are the same here. Learn the culture the way a child does. Through play and trial and error. Maybe Polish people like strawberry yoghurt in their morning coffee. If they don't you learn the words for "not" and "milk" and the running away from your language parent will raise your heart rate which will accelerate learning.

Rating: 10/10 obviously. (Just don't get a language parent that believes regular beatings are a good teaching method.)

Today we continued our shopping and actually succeeded in purchasing all the gifts required. Shopping malls are an interesting place to see aspects of a culture because we all have a platonic ideal of a shopping mall in our minds and the differences stand out clearly.

They are seriously big boobs.

Cultural Observations: Lingerie and its place in society

Normal lingerie shops here often have mannequins with porn star size boobs. Sexy lingerie shops usually have small boobed mannequins (who appear to be very cold). Apparently this is because big boobs are a "mother" thing. Having boobs the size of footballs in the window advertises the wholesome nature of your lingerie shop.

It's okay Officer, I am taking photos for cultural reasons

Rating: 9/10 (-3 if Oedipal complexes are common in Poland)

The malls here are a lot quieter than 2 years ago. Also the dress sense of the guys has changed drastically. The women were dressed very stylishly last time and generally speaking still are. 2 years ago I saw a guy that had made some kind of effort towards a hairstyle and I noticed. It stood out. This time almost all the guys have some kind of style going on. The car parks for the malls are completely full despite the low numbers of people.

We suspect that all these are because the only people at the mall are people that have disposable income. The people that would walk or catch a bus to the mall aren't there. Ewa is worried that perhaps the economic situation here is much worse than it looks on the surface.

Apex Predator

The house is slowly filling with people arriving for Christmas dinner. Through a combination of increasing human population and hit and run attacks the numerical superiority of the fish in the bathtub has been removed. I feel sure that the Carp Uprising I feared will now be quashed easily and with minimal bloodshed on either side. We'll all be home by Christmas boys.