Saturday 31 January 2015

2015-01-29: Secrets Revealed, Techniques Attempted

Linguistic Achievements: Cigarettes

One of the fun things about working weird hours is needing cigarettes, milk, coffee, beer or whatever at funny hours and going to the shops to get them without my official translator. I must look and smell dreadful most of the time and due to brain drain my grasp of Polish is weaker than usual.
They used to get quite exasperated with me.
Luuuuucke Strike Mentol z Kulka (The kulka is a little capsule of menthol in the filter you can crush to adjust the mentholiness of the cigarette)
I think I must have grown on them. They are now correcting my Polish and speaking carefully and slowly. This morning I bought cigarettes and they knew what I meant and only had to make a small correction to what I said.

Rating: 6/10 (Plus I didn't hold up the queue like that whiny cow from across the road)



Cats are called Kot. Small cats can be called Kotek. The "ek" is a diminutive. For some reason I decided that "ka" was a diminutive as well and thought we were making Kopyt today because they are big versions of the Kopytka from the 27th. They are called Pyzy. I wonder what language "ka" is a diminutive in (oh just checked, it is a diminutive in Polish but only for some things, Polish is a very simple language to learn).

Food And Beverage Review: Pyzy (Potato Dumplings, stuffed with meat)


Low temp fry some mince and some onion separately. No seasonings I could taste. Onions to the completely soft and translucent stage with lid on so the water stays, meat is not browned, just grey. When time to use mix together.

Cold boiled potato put through mincer. I think this is why the egg I use in gnocci is not needed for this as the mincer breaks more of the starch cells giving a wetter result. I think this is secret the first.

If making some vegetarian ones mix half the quark with about an equal amount of potato as a stuffing (I think, I didn't pay much attention to such silly choices)
Add plain white flour, roughly 2/3rds ratio to the potato. There was a bit of a gasp when this was occurring as it might have been a bit much. In the end it was not. Better to be safe though as taking flour out will be tricky. Add about a cup of  potato flour
Mixing was not kneading like bread, bit more gentle and poky. A bit more aggressive towards the end, about 5 minutes mixing.
A small handful of dough



A spoonful of meat / onion mixture.
Roll up the edges
Fold over the top


Patching / Sealing can be done with a dusting of flour
Individuals will have differing speeds; some people are lightning fast...
Some people make it look really hard and take a long time. Theirs might be the best though, hard to tell as they have no makers seal.
Drop in simmering water for about 12 minutes
Meanwhile add smalec (rendered pork back fat with bit of pork in it) to the onions, do not drain the onions watery juice.
Decent spoonful of fat / onion over the top and test.

Rating: 8.5/10 (I managed 4 of these and needed a lie down)


Tourist Advice: Snow (falling variety)

For travellers with minimal experience of snow on a day to day fashion I have advice:
When you see something on the ground and wonder where it came from don't look up. You won't learn anything. You'll just get cold eyeballs.

Rating: 6.5/10 (I feel I am learning and I will stop doing this eventually)

Thursday 29 January 2015

2015-01-28: Better than expected? sure why not


This is the bit where I looked like I knew what I was doing. First 5 seconds.
I expected to be defeated by a Lady in Warsaw.
I did not get defeated by a Lady in Warsaw.
The only reason for this is that I misread the draw and so I was defeated by a Man instead.
Not a Lady
No helmet and still an intimidating fellow
I don't know if this really counts as an achievement.
Especially as the Lady would have beaten me as well.
The one strike I did which I felt was pretty good. I even moved fast by my standards.
On the bright side I did win a match, get some encouragement regarding my kendo and got to play naginata against 3 guys; one a member of the Polish kendo team, one just your everyday Polish (i.e. strong) player and one sneaky bastard that didn't mention he had played against naginata before. Apparently the sneaky bastard is half Scottish which probably explains things.
It makes me look bigger and scarier if I hold the stick high.
In case my sensei sees any of these photos, this one looks sort of close to what we are meant to do
Between Białystok and Warsaw the freeway is undergoing upgrades. About half of it is now dual carriageway with a speed limit of 120km/hr (i.e. 140 is standard). The bits that aren't are 90km/hr and are terrifying. In these bottlenecks traffic is packed pretty tight and people overtake with limited visibility and squeeze into gaps which are only large enough by a couple of feet.
My Do matches the crash pads. You didn't even notice. This is how style works people! Subtle and Elegant. You have to plan for hours but make it look effortless.
I would recommend the train instead. Except the train line is undergoing upgrades as well and so it is half train / half bus. I hate buses.
I can run away so fast no camera can catch me.
I still recommend the train, at least a bus is big.
Sneaky bugger knew to lift his leg! My favourite tactic gone! Aside from my posture I love this pic though.
On the return journey the magnitude of trucking here was brought home. For the first 100km or so the slow lane was effectively a wall of trucks moving at about 100km/hr.

Food and Beverage Review: Petrol Station HotDog

It's cold, you've been awake for ages, you haven't eaten in ages. Petrol Station HotDogs (in any country) are still just not very good. But you eat them anyway.
You have to wait in the cold for your hot food, makes you appreciate it more.
All countries have unique elements to their form of "hot sausage with bread for eating while walking"
The Polish version of the Petrol Station HotDog has as it's unique element "Bread which is truly astoundingly bad by Polish standards".
I would go so far as to say that it is as bad as McDonalds buns, just in a different way. And McDonalds comes from a country with no real bread culture. Poland loves bread and takes it seriously.
Just holding it makes you feel better.
The bread is one of those par cooked dinner rolls you can finish cooking at home but you undercooked. Then toasted it a bit in a panini press for crispyness. Kind of crispy with a gluggy interior. Very white bread.
Serving this bread in a location which, by definition, has lots of petrol seems a deliberate Incitement to Riot.

Rating: 6/10 (I will do it again but will plead necessity)

2015-01-27: A cross shaped candle would have 3 ends

Yesterdays ski muscle workout has left us broken people. I am pretty sure Ewa read the instructions wrong as we were only meant to do one exercise per muscle group. Which makes it her fault. Good thing her legs are sore too otherwise I would be ruthless in getting revenge.

I had to do a bunch of administration stuff in the city and afterwards we strolled to stretch the achy (but toned) muscles. I had worked all night and so was a little tired; casually dishevelled. Ewa looked at clothes for a few minutes and I decided that the "boyfriend chair" is nowhere near what is required in this world.

Someone should make "Husband Hammocks". I would totally have used it. If it had beer I would have never left.

Now I think about it I guess a Ladies clothing shop is never going to encourage me to spend an afternoon in their store alternating between groaning and requesting more beer while swaying gently in the breeze. Oh well, we all have differing goals in life and just have to learn to get along.
Lack lustre. Not just the colour.

$2 a bottle. Wish the weather was warmer and I had a hammock.
Whilst obtaining my own supplies of muscle relaxants I found what must be one of the best mark-up products out of NZ.
For Australians I believe Manuka is the same as Tea Tree. $45 honey in a supermarket. Surprised me anyway
I guess when I get my hammock I should get some manuka trees and a bee hive to support my supine lifestyle. 132 zł for 500g of honey = 23 bottles of Schofferhoffer each containing about 500g of beer.

That is some numerology stuff right there!

I wonder how fast bees make 500g of honey and how fast I can drink 23 bottles of Schofferhoffer... I'm betting I would win. Stupid bees, so lazy.

Food and Beverage Review: Kopytka (they are not Gnocci).


Our Ravenous Return was Rewarded with Kopytka.

I make gnocci by passing cold boiled potato through a ricer then mixing it with an egg and flour until it reaches the right consistency.
Roll dough into a snake and cut into bite sized morsels.
Drop one in a pot of just boiling water, if it doesn't float after a few minutes add more flour.
Then start dumping them in the water at a speed which doesn't drop the water temp too much, as they rise to the surface dump them in a flattish dish which has some bacon fat in it keeping warm in the oven.
When they are all in the dish raise the oven to a million degrees to get a small bit of fry going. Or you can throw them in a frying pan with the fat to get even quicker friedness.

The key differences between making Kopytka and Gnocci are:
  1. You don't use a ricer because you don't have one. You use a mincer. (I don't see this making any difference)
  2. You don't use an egg (I don't see this making much difference).
  3. You gently fry pork lardons and use the fat to fry the gnocci kopetka (I don't see this making much difference)

But Kopytka are not Gnocci, they are far superior. Maybe "the right consistency" is different. I like them both anyway so in future I will simply threaten to make Gnocci if there are complaints about my Kopytka.

Rating: 8/10 (The rendered pork is a great on top these too and I shall add them to my Gnocci in future)

Cultural Observations: Change and Coins.

If a currency has a fixed number of units equalling a larger unit (e.g. 100 cents == 1 dollar) then it is culturally wrong to remove the concept of the smallest unit. If in Australia a law was passed saying that all prices must be marked in increments of 5 cents then we would no longer have 100 x 1 cents to the dollar, we would have 20 x 5 cents to the dollar. I am a conservative (and well groomed) fellow and can see that this kind of change could have unintended consequences psychological and far reaching.
Refusing the 2 złoty change would make me look like a foreigner with weird philosophical views on the nature of stored values in representative forms
Money is, functionally, an agreed upon fiction. A $5 note represents an amount of agreed upon value. It is not intrinsically worth that value. This is obvious as the material value of any given banknote is roughly the same as one denominated a tenth of the value, a $100 note has the same value of plastic in it as a $5 note.

So we are comfortable using the abstraction of money in a functional manner even if we don't think about it too much day to day (well by we I mean "you", I think about dumb shit all the time).

This does not mean that the practicality has to mirror the abstraction perfectly though. In Australia we got rid of 1 and 2 cent coins at a practical level but keep the prices reflecting the abstraction e.g. $1.99.

Poles are more conservative than me and refuse to rid themselves of their one grosz coin on principle and, I believe, are mandated to use these increments in pricing.

At first I thought I sucked at integrating myself into Polish society because I would look blankly at my handful of coins unable to find the 4.27zł required for a purchase. Inevitably I would mutely thrust my hand at the cashier and implore them to please just take what they want.

I have since observed (and interviewed local subjects in various degrees of relaxed inhibition) that I am actually integrating perfectly. No one can count the damn things.

Rating: 9/10 (I am integrating at a rapid pace).


My Naginata versus Kendo fun the other day has been met with interest by members of other clubs and I have been invited to do it again in Warsaw tomorrow night. This also means I get to enter the informal Kendo competition which is the actual focus of the evening.
Plans: 
  • Go to Warsaw
  • Enter and promptly lose in a Kendo competition
  • Play Naginata versus Kendo with some of Polands best Kendo people
  • Hopefully regain a little dignity after the humiliating loss earlier





Tuesday 27 January 2015

2015-01-26: She had an unsharpened pencil!

Traveling Advice: Train Tickets

We are going to Slovakia for more skiing fun. This means we get to take a train.
There is only one site worth looking at when trying to do multi country trips in europe: http://reiseauskunft.bahn.de (I will refrain from Trains On Time jokes here)
I tapped in our start and stop places and it found the options but then wouldn't let me buy tickets.
So we went down to the train station to buy tickets. We stood in line. We realised we better go to the info booth first. We stood in line. We got a written note of when and where. We went to buy the tickets. We stood in line.
Then we got a relic from the communist era. She looked upset that we didn't immediately thank her for being at work and potentially doing her job.
When Ewa said we wanted sleeper tickets the Lady looked like suggestions of disrobing and parading nude had been made. She promptly pointed out that Polish trains do not allow Men and Ladies to sleep in the same compartment.
Polish Men and/or Ladies must be very weak willed people that can't keep their hands off each other!
Admittedly the thought had occurred to me but I was planning to be discreet and discrete. Plus I look Angelic (and innocent).
Probably Ewa looks like some kind of perverted train orgy inciting Lady.
After the Lady Who Was Working For Our (Travel Only) Gratification (And Not Receiving Enough Recognition For This) had consulted several actual serious binders of paper and poked at her touch screen with a pencil which had never been sharpened but has an almost worn out eraser it was decided we were allowed to travel on her trains and could buy couchettes beside each other but then she screwed the dates up and then her terminal crashed and then her printer failed.
We got tickets in the end.
I blame her specifically and directly for being the reason the Nazis handed Poland over to the Russians a couple years back. No self respecting fascist could tolerate that kind of behaviour and it would weaken their morale. It obviously hurt them anyway, I think Leningrad proves my point.

Rating 10/10 (I am afraid the Train Lady will have screwed something up so I am giving her a good score for karma reasons only).


Off my chest and Hey I Feel Better Now. Excellent!

Tonight we are playing naginata versus kendo at the local club. We were at the gym this morning already (building ski muscles, they even had a printout of a routine) so we need protein and carbs and food, food, food if we are to survive. I figured google "best burger bialystok". I got two places with equal scores and reviews. We choose the closest. We will visit the other later and declare the victor to resolve google's  inability to make a damn decision.

Food and Beverage Review: Miły Burgers

http://milyburger.pl/
Wesoła 16, Białystok (they have other locations too)
Upstairs location, not hard to find but not obvious. Very Americana 50's booths and décor kind of feel.
Why is Elvis labelled and not Marilyn? There can't be a single person in the world that only knows one of these people.
Seems to support some local american football team. Comfy and warm.
Who cares? bring on foods!!
The Szefa is just picky about "nice" numbers, 2 burgers from a kilo! not 2.5, that's just crazy talk!
We asked the waitress what the most popular burgers were: BBQ (me) and Kapelusznik (too hard to pronounce, gym make me dumb). Ewa decided she knew better and ordered a Mary Jane (I think this is because the Blue Cheese Burgers _I_ make are good and she assumes others will have copied my recipes).
Admittedly if I had been smoking Mary Jane perhaps this would have been better. I am not cool enough though.
Chips and Burgers are too things I think I do rather well so I judge harshly as soon as someone steps out of the "McDonalds mushy crap you'd eat because you are lazy" style.
Who doesn't toast their buns? Craziness! I am going to blame an over anxious HR department trying to stamp out innuendo in the workplace.
  • Chips: Home-style were best but they needed the second fry to make them crispy. Well salted though. 4/10
  • BBQ Burger: Could have had more sear on the patty and the bun was not toasted and a little hard. Good burger though. Pickles were a plus. 7/10
  • Mary Jane: Yeah so no. Nuts in a burger was interesting but without the salty bacon I always pair with blue cheese it was a bit bland and creamy. No pickles. Ditch the nuts and get some texture / sourness in there and could be good. 5/10.
Im'a go with 30% head size
Polish burgers, according to Ewa, should be the size of your head. These were certainly the size of a small childs head and for $6 you can get a 900g classic burger which is definitely the head size of the fat bastard we saw eating one. It gets two skewers to hold it together.
They also do what I can only call American size burritos, a waitress carried three at once and I was impressed.
In NZ Burger Fuel got a patent for a bit of cardboard that does the work of this open paper bag... I think the bag works better as you can dip your chips in the burger drippings.
They also server beer. Fortuna beer! I am loving this brewery!
They do open fermentation.
Fanfare and marketing is for those with a product too weak to sell itself
They are 150 odd years old but got closed by the Nazis and then Government owned by the Commies.
4 years ago they reopened, were bought out by some lovers of Polish beers and now they are making it to my list of places to go / invest in.
Pilfering of my beer! Proof! Photographic Proof!

Rating: 

8/10 (as a fast food place, it was actually pretty quick)

6/10 (as a specialty burger place)

9/10 (overall because they stock fortuna beers)

Food and Beverage Review: Fortuna Czarne (Black Lager)

Clean and little mouthfeel, as a lager should be.
It's a grown up persons coke.
Sweet as a Black Lager should be (in my opinion).
Definitely one that will have you wondering "what the hell did I just drink" and not something you are likely to pound a dozen of. But interesting, and lots of fun with a burger. Has tons of coke flavour to it and, while sweet for a beer, not as sweet as coke.

Rating: 7/10 (Ewa gives it 9/10)

Activity Review:  Isshu Jiai with Białstok Kendo Club

And so to the evening fun. In amongst my rambling the other night I did warn the Kendo guys that Naginata has a distinct advantage over Kendo.
I also advised that I have trained way more and way longer in Naginata than in Kendo.
Normally it is the Kendoka that get airborne but I am versatile
It is entirely possible that warning wasn't heeded as it was hidden in piles of other outlandish statements.
I need a faster focussing lens I think, I hate flash
Kendo does have certain advantages over Naginata but, crucially, Naginata people have generally played against Kendo before whereas the reverse is less common.
I run away
It was a trap
Also whilst one of the members of the Kendo club outranks me in Kendo I am much higher ranked in Naginata than I am in Kendo.
Hey Buddy
Look, Over here
Nah, Changed my mind, Other side!
Oh and of course I have a bit of a reputation as always being a touch on the chaotic side as well. However I didn't fall over which always counts as me being quite sane.

If I wasn't so generous (and graceful) a bitter person could accuse me of duplicitous behaviour in an egocentric display. Fortunately we are a lovely couple and so such accusations of from bitter husks of people.
Everyone is smiling! Still friends! Wheeeee!

Rating: 9/10 (Sweaty, Dresses, Jumping! Such Fun)