2015-08-23: Solving Problems

I have a long standing tradition of supporting local businesses. I never really noticed this until things starting closing when I stopped supporting them. In this latest case our few days being cowboys meant the boxing gym has changed it's opening hours to late in the afternoon.

Gate locked. Breaking in to a boxing gym is probably a bad idea...

This is troublesome as I like a beer around lunch time, one leads to another and then I am very relaxed. Being relaxed is supposed to be why drunk people don't hurt themselves as much as sober people when they fall over but I am not sure this logic works in a boxing gym.

I think that is the outline of the New Jersey state but it looks like a guy in one of the afghani hats and you can't really tell if he is small or strong....

So if I can't go boxing but still need to keep the Diner Breakfast Bloat under control we will go to Pennsylvania. Because Rocky.

It really looms up after all the freeway.

Rocky was a boxer. He lost. But he ran up some stairs by a museum and museums are good for expanding your experiences and making you a better person. Plus he was in First Blood which was a great movie. I think he kind of lost in that too.

I should start doing this after I lose a match... might make me famous

We didn't get lost going to Philadelphia. This is because I wasn't navigating. I was busy looking at things.

I get even more juvenile after long car trips.

When we arrived in Philly we discovered they were celebrating the world. They had all the flags flying.

Boxing builds up your butt a bit but not this much, I did not fondle it much.

I assume All the Flags is because they heard we were coming and it is hard to pin down our national allegiances so it is easiest to just put all the flags out.

They are going to be annoyed if we change our flag

We appreciated the welcome even though it appeared that the Polish flag wasn't present. The other two flags that look like Polish flags were there though so we just pretended that The Polish Princess was being welcomed multiple times.

Left is Indonesia, right is Monaco. Not sure about the proportions actually being correct and the wind isn't helping. So fuck it, Poland, twice!

We wandered through the museum and there was some cool stuff. I absorbed it and expanded my mind a bit. Then we went out to the steps Rocky made famous by running up then jumping around at the top.

In the movie you can't figure out how long it took Rocky, I figure I can do half a Schwarzenegger calf raise then I probably did a half a Rocky stair run.

Lots of other people were there taking photos of each other jumping around at the top of the steps.
They forgot that to be a truly world class losing person you have to put the work in.
So we ran up the steps.

Then they all started copying us and failing halfway. heh. The Princess and I are bad people. Plus Ellory had to run twice.

They were a lot of steps.
We got hungry.

Food & Beverage Review: Jims Steaks

http://www.jimssteaks.com/
mapref
There are a series of arguments on the internet about who invented the Philly cheese steak. There are also arguments about how it is really made.

We couldn't find an actual handicapped person so I did it

There are also arguments about top spinning if you look around. The Internet is awesome. There are arguments about whether Jim's Steaks is better than Jim's Steaks South Street (it is the same place I think).

Grey to pink, I think the pink bastes the grey. I do not not know how to start a business recreating this with small amounts of meat. If I can figure it out I will rule the world.

The place is pretty cool. It has been around for ever (by new country standards) and the food is actually much better than variations I have had before.

Fancy pressed tin roof. That would run high per metre. Be good packaging for my World Domination Cheese Steak for a Drunk Guy at 2am.

Usually Original Food is not much different to the copies you can try anywhere; like going to the place that invented the hamburger doesn't look as good as going to the best burger place which happens to be near you where ever you are. This however was way better than any cheesesteak I have had anywhere else.

I saw a great cooking show once where the chef was saying "My mum always complains I burn onions <turns to camera> these are caramelised Mum, not burned <turns back to stove> ohhhhh actually they are burned" these were not burned.

There are arguments about the argument between Jims Steaks and some other guy. The Internet is awesome. Wikipedia won't come down on who is the best or the original. But wikipedia is a lying whore.

The queue is pretty quick moving. I doubt this would be the case if only handicapped people were allowed to pay.

Jims Steaks is pretty straight forward. They make cheese steaks. Cheese steaks are fried sliced thin meat and onions on a roll with some cheese.

Cheesesteaks which I suspect I will like, Yuengling which I know I will like and Utz chips because I like living on the edge and trying new stuff.

The arguments are largely around which artificial cheese to put on the fried meat. We got a series of different cheeses and I think it is safe to say that the cheese is not the real difference. For me the onions and meat were the thing that made it different, I guess most places can't have the continuous frying that this place has where they are always adding more and it stays way juicy.

Rating: (9/10, mostly due to surprise of it being good, plus no shootings)

After food more exercise is needed but not wanted. Probably the one exercise which is not done the most after too much food is bedroom exercise.

I know sex sells but who eats pizza then gets frisky? Only people that don't have enough pizza that's who!

But there was a hipster sex shop!
We decided to visit and steadfastly not get all excited, we would just look and appreciate in a mental fashion, not carnal.

Sexual Intelligence. When I feel frisky is probably when I am least smart. I am hoping they sell little vials of "now you can think again" for such occasions.

They had people giving how to guides for electro shock utensils. I have no personal issues about using electro shock utensils in the bedroom if you want. And certainly if I was into it I wouldn't want an old electrician giving me guidelines on using them.

They don't sell the vials. They do sell some cool stuff though. I love Hats and Activities. That is a hell of a hat.

But I am not sure that the hipsters gave off the practical experience that I would like in my mentor for electrocuting my soft bits. I bought no electrocution devices.

2015-08-22: This Might Go Wrong

I like Diner Breakfasts. This is no secret.
I like Proven Truths. This is no secret.
I can be slightly obsessive exhaustive in my research. I don't think that is a secret.

Breakfast And Shiny Things!

The combination of the three traits has meant I want to try all the different breakfasts at the local diner. Maybe I don't actually like "Diners Breakfasts" and just like one specific item from one specific Diner! that would be an embarrassing generalisation to have made!

Taylors Ham, Waffles, Eggs, Pancakes! Spare butter in a little cup (they let you have more if you want)

Of course this means I might just have a small issue when I return to training hard. Fortunately my scales are playing up and no longer measure fat percentages. I can just pretend the numbers are okay while I research the next scales to buy (who am I kidding I already know which scales I will buy - they have to be the same brand so it doesn't skew the data I have already collected).
If my body is going to go to hell during this part of our sojourn I should improve my mind. Reading improves the mind.

Reading things using other languages that don't make sense does not improve the mind.

We are kind of anti Physical Stuff nowadays (too lazy to carry too much stuff). I have always been anti New Fangled Reading Boxes of Magic. 

I only mention the kindle because I like the colours in the photo.

The ability to have personality improving stuff in huge quantities in a small light device over rode my inherent love of How Things Have Always Been. I bought a kindle.

Sign Review: 'Merica Loves Neon

In Japan there is a metric buttload of stuff that was cool in the eighties and they have stuck with. Like fax machines. You can easily buy a new fax machine in Japan. It will be a real fax machine, not a modem pretending to be one or something. It will be shiny and new. Some aren't even eighties office equipment beige!

Regal should swap out parts with the other sign and have at least one work...

I don't know if you can even buy a modem pretending to be a fax machine in Australia anymore.
The 'Merica comparison would be neon I think.
It is a pretty crappy product compared to modern alternatives.

Old Stone Mery was a Lord of the Rings character I think. Probably he was as polite as a Canadian that can keep his lights working.

I used to manage a bar which had neon black lights everywhere. I learned a lot about changing neon tubes in that job. And they were just straight tubes. I can't stand to think of the logistics involved in maintaining spares of custom bent tubes. Or how hard replacing them would be. The ballast always rots out and you are stuck contemplating twisting it out with a knife - which, I am told, is stupid.

Dallas, Baseball? I think they might be Yank'ing my chain. Smoked BBQ chicken I am down with. Probably to an excessive degree.

I think 'Merica needs to have a bit of a think about this.
Or maybe having them broken is nostalgic.

Broken Lights and a film which really drew the moral of "nostalgia being made reality"

'Merica does have a certain flavour of nostalgic that Senor Trump seems to be taking advantage of.
They definitely need to have a bit of a think about that.

Rating: 6/10 (-2 if Trump gets elected and they don't fix the lights)

Plus Shiny

'Merica does have some cool people. Coolest car badge ever. We followed it for a bit but the world didn't need saving so it just stayed a car.

2015-08-20: Escape to New York

I enjoyed the Escape from NY/LA movies when I was young. I wonder if I still do? Being in the country and a cowboy we don't have all our technology which would allow me to check.
We shall go back to civilisation and see if my memory is correct regarding Kurt Russell in dystopic sci fi flics.

Plus it started raining

My memory tells me that a fair amount of Joseph Hellers latter work was set in the New York Port Authority Bus Terminal. He depicted it as a post apocalyptic hellscape. The bus from the ranch terminates in the terminal. Just like when Kurt flew into NY!

Logo looks too Clean Corporate lines for me to get my hopes up

The stench of urine didn't exist and if anything the craziest looking person was probably me. Plus I think the Sao Paolo bus terminal is the biggest something in the something anyway so it isn't even a checklist item. I guess if Joseph Heller was there or there was a train with nukes on it or something it would have been interesting but he died a while back.

I "forgot" my razor in my secret desire to be a real cowboy

So went and ate burgers and ribs and other things that would have been great at the ranch.

I know burgers would be hard out on the range. Even though range is american for stovetop.

Mashed potato is great but it means you have to milk the cows then make butter when out cowboying. That is a lot of work, save it as a treat when you get back to the whores and piano players.

If I was a cowboy I would take a deep fryer in my chuckwagon so we could have deep fried pickles. I should get a chuckwagon!

Oh and my memory is crap, Big Trouble in Little China is way better than the Escape from NY/LA movies.

I think this is a place operated by Spanish people that got a French guy as their boss.

2015-08-16 through 2015-08-19: 4 Legged Beasties

Too much time in the city! We are earthy country folk at heart (well Ewa likes potatoes and they are earthy and I cook them so I think we qualify as Country Affiliated - although I usually use sea salt for cooking so probably we are not Salt of the Earth types).

We pack light though. So I figure we are still Nomads of the World

A compromise has been found. Dude Ranch. Dude used to be an insult in American but skateboarders claimed it and now it means Cool Guy. I am a cool guy because I can cook potatoes; Ewa claims that she only liked me at first because I could make really good fries on Fryday (which was every Friday - Dude! see how damn cool I am? humour and everything).

It looks like a tree but it is a cell phone tower. Now that is a great joke!

I think after the Fries my seduction technique mostly consisted of riding horses (badly) in her general vicinity. The humour of me and PJ arguing and the sight of me passing out on the couch with medicinal booze after riding without stirrups made me an endearing (and persistent) man.

The sign makes it obvious that the time for Road Trip jokes is finished, now it is time for animal poop jokes!

Therefore, logically, we are doing a long weekend type stay at Malibu Ranch. Except we are starting on Sunday because I forgot what days are weekend days. It's okay I also forget when our anniversary / either birthday or anything else special is. It makes me Cool and Spontaneous!
American quarter horses are different to anything I have ridden before. They are happy to just wander around for hours.I don't think they like spontaneous so much.

I only had shorts and sneakers to ride in. Half Arsed / Spontaneous is a question of terms...

My horse in Australia, PJ, was not happy with this long term walking idea as I am a heavy bastard. Mind you PJ had to do a lot of jumping and cantering and other exuberant things. To balance things PJ was quite happy being a total dick to me.

We once spent an entire hour arguing about who was in charge. In the end I learned how to balance the partnership; he does what I want when I am on top of him and he gets to rest his head on me when I am standing near him. Plus I have carrots. I suspect the constant reek of booze and tobacco made it easy for him to remember who the carrot man was.

These horseies didn't know I carry carrots but cowboys smoke so they made an incorrect association and were nice to me.

I think that the PJ learning opportunity meant I could get along with these horsies okay. In Japan there are few horsies close to us so even slow meandering horsies was nice to get back to.
Japan also doesn't have people implementing creative business ideas - like selling door handles shaped like the kanji for "door". All my time in Japan seeing these opportunities has made me into a powerhouse of business ideas. America has businesses, they just need tuning.

Places Review: Malibu Horsies

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http://www.malibududeranch.com/
Horsies, Pretend Cowboys and so on and so on. All good. Some 15 years ago I was in Belgium. They didn't have wireless internet spots anywhere. Not like now in most western countries.

Has Paddocks for Lounging

Oddly enough for a Cowboy place (which has to be the most Western thing ever) there is no internet except in the hotel lobby. Weird. Also annoying if, like me, the way you pay for your lifestyle is by using the internet. Plus phone coverage is spotty.

Has Poop for shovelling

If I was at an actual ranch of working cowboys this wouldn't be an issue but this place is hardly cheap. A few $30 dollar routers would hardly be an extravagance.
But that is just a subset of the people in the world being put out. An even better tuneup for the business is the food.
Cowboy food is awesome! Slow cooked big chunks of meat with beans and such. Easy for a cafeteria type operation (which the food was here).

Has morning cattle drives (best thing here by far - it was awesome, Cows are smarter than stupid supermen at Times Square)

Instead they served individual plates of food that had a faint nod towards Chef Food rather than Cook Food. I am ambivalent about actual chefs, I am sure they make some great food but it doesn't grab me. Cooks on the other hand I love, someone that can cook simple food well is impressive to me every time. A cook trying to be a chef I find underwhelming. In a scenario where the theme is cowboy I just can't see how someone can miss this obvious selling point.

Ghostly John Wayne Is Hungry! He already ate a bear and wants more!! (this is slightly disturbing when working at 0300 in the almost dark, you can see it out of the corner of your eye constantly)

The Americans at the table asking for "this without that and that without this" probably make the individual servings a practical choice. The "I need individualised food" might be a cultural thing I am missing. It seems everyone has to personalise their dishes. I am mildly allergic to fish, I am always embarrassed if I can't finish my plate as it came, even with fish, so maybe it is just a weird psychological hangup I have.
I enjoyed the days we spent here, don't get me wrong. Largely the enjoyment was horse related which I am fairly sure can be done better and cheaper in areas which have even less internet connectivity.
Wouldn't let me try riding bulls though. Probably sensible I guess.
As for charging extras for many activities? I think people paying this much to visit would be happier if they paid a statistical addition to cover what most people want to do rather than find out they have to pay more. That behaviour is one of my least favourite tourist attraction things ever.

Rating: 4/10 (honestly chilli and beans every night would have made it 6)

On our first day the resident puppy wandered into our room, sat down and stared at the bed. I am not sure if he is used to getting On Demand Human Porn or something but we gave him scratches instead.

Come On Humans! Get Busy! Enough Couch Time!

Then when we were sitting in the meadow outside the room relaxing one of the resident squirrels sat down and watched us. Ewa says he wanted food, I suspect he wanted human entertainment but it was bright daylight so I planted snacks for him.

Squirrel!

I guess living in the country and the fresh air and everything wanting human porn might explain country vs city birth rates.

Food and Beverage Review: Yuengling Beer

I think I can be forgiven for ignoring this brand of beer given all my other choices. The US has tons of "craft" beers and I have been merrily sampling my way through them. Yuengling I assumed was a mass market chinese beer from the name and therefore skipped it in favour of beers with puns for names or ridiculous igredients. Yuengling is actually americas oldest brewery or something and the biggest US owned brewery by sales.
The founders name was Jüngling, he was german and had no idea how to anglicise a german name I guess.

It is not a bad beer. In fact after some of the the interesting craft beers I have sampled I didn't mind that it was the only brand available at the ranch.

The bottle claims it is a Traditional Lager. But it has biscuit malts in it and not much in the way of hops. I'd call it a red / vienna lagger. Which just happens to be the style Ewa tended to prefer before we spent too long drinking Japanese lagers.

Rating (7/10: +1 for surprising me by being good)

2015-08-15: Food Requires Lights

We ate a bunch yesterday what with the diner love and all. Now we are fuelled up with energy and ready for excitement! We don't really feel we ticked off any hardcore tourist checklist items recently and that is what we live for! I dream of checklists occasionally... Times Square is pretty damn check listy!

We also dream of the days when you could go home with a slide-show and bore your friends to tears!

I also kind of dream of visiting back in the days when Times Square was crazy dangerous. Anthony Bourdain claims to have sold his record collection here for heroin money. I would have wanted to go and then been told I wasn't allowed, just like Gorbals in Newcastle. I wanted to go there because in A Clockwork Orange they say "A right kick in the Gorbals".  I was advised that if I went I would almost certainly receive such a kick.
Fortunately I don't have to actually do the stupid things, I mostly like knowing I could and lack the self preservation skills to stop once I know I can.
I am lucky that mostly I am surrounded by people that stop me doing the stupid things. I guess a lot of other people don't have that advantage and need the Gub'ment to remove the stupid temptations from their path. Or corporations who, apparently, turned Times Square into a tourist centre. One way to stop me getting kicked in the nads anyway.

Sometimes they follow me waiting for the chance to stop me doing stupid things. I like to think it is me being thoughtful and giving them a purpose in life.

Nowadays Times Square is checklisty in a tedious manner. Apparently you have to go but there are more shiny lights in Japan and the Japanese do risque much better (so the internet says anyway - actually the internet is no end of places which I have been told we can't go to locally as well).

Pretty lights, but I know this food is the same as anywhere else and I won't fall for it. If anything this is the worst thing for Time Square to have, everyone knows McDonalds is not unique, when you see it in lights it makes you doubt the other lights. At least there wasn't a fake diner.

Recently there has been a bit of controversy because uncovered boobs aren't illegal in New York and a bunch of Ladies figured they could attract more people taking tourist photos with boobs than a superman impersonator could (some other Ladies are doing different things to highlight the weirdness of the rules, mostly they are not in Times Square, I think they are in Brooklyn but when we go there I get distracted by pizza and ignore boobs).

I use adblock on the net. To me this is just a bunch of spaces which need filling and reducing..

The Ladies earning money with their boobs were apparently correct. Many of their boobs are quite incredible to see. I have a weird upbringing and poor impulse control so I have no photos with the boobs. I have none with the superman either, but that is a matter of personal ethics; stupid superman.

I tend to focus on the subject I find most important. (I kissed her afterwards because I am somewhat romantic. Or at least obedient to the rules of romanticism)

In retrospect I think I should have given the Boobs Ladies some money because I am in favour of what they are doing more than I am in favour of the stupid superman.

Flustered she is! Apparently it was a good kiss I gave her.

What I am in certainly in favour of financially supporting is the waiter at the Brazilian restaurant who, upon learning we were Polish and New Zealander, welcomed Ewa with Polish greetings and then ran off to the back room computer to google maori welcomes.

Yep must have been a damn good kiss, this was 200 metres walking and she was still all heady. I must be a devastating God of Seduction.

I speak almost no Maori and so I couldn't even comment on his pronunciation. It was probably better than mine. I make better Caipirinha's though (when I have the stuff to do it)

These are the Ladies being complained about. I mean those are some horrifically crap fake boobs on the left there but you should see the superman and the spiderman. Now they are a crime against belief.

Didn't see the Naked Cowboy. I guess he is out rustling or something. Probably going to have to chase him down wherever he is. I assume at a ranch somewhere.